My friend and Class of Clore ’14 colleague Eugenie recently organised some listening training based on the experiences of, and delivered by, hostage negotiator Richard ‘Dick’ Mullender. 

I knew I’d be arriving late, coming from Cornwall, I also knew this guy was big in CID and worked with the FBI, UN etc etc…my mind wandered as I went from train to tube at Paddington….can you get arrested for being late? they’re probably watching me anyway?….  so much fun… it made my tube trip across London very ‘spooks’ like…boys will be boys.

I arrived, Dick was gracious, the imagination settled(ish)…I didn’t get arrested.

This guy pulls no punches, he’ll give you his view, it’ll probably be at odds with some of yours, but lets face it Dick deals with people about to jump off bridges or get blown up so for all the great social, business and relational psychology… this dude draws from 30 years of life or death listening….so…I’m listening.

Dick says you got 20 seconds to get your first impression right, you will be judged and you will need to make judgements, then you got 20 minutes to build trust..not rapport…trust…then you got the 2nd 20 minutes…this is the game changer time…from hostage situation to business situation, Dick see’s it pretty much the same….(Dick won’t like me saying the words ‘pretty much’, to him it either will or won’t, is or isn’t).

So here’s the thing with listening, you have to have integrity…yep… only the truth (but be nice), you have to be likeable, its a real important characteristic, and you have to be capable.

To get trust you have to to listen for values…there are some golden questions you can use…but avoid questions ’till later, use prompts…”and”…”go-on”…”tell me more”…try not to use a Bond villain voice on the last one.

Get used to a physical listening position …that by the way is sitting or leaning forward..and not rolling a newspaper up into a tube-shape and sticking it in your ear and saying in true Brian Blessed style ‘fire away!’ (though it would be funnier). Use mirroring, match your energy with theirs but not emotion…so don’t match anger with anger…And use echoing…often the last word is really important…however can I suggest as a Dad not to do echoing so much with kids…I tried it….”Dad?…why are you repeating every word I say…it’s a bit weird”…Dick agrees.

Then …summarise (a lot) …you begin to hold more power as a listener and it’s good for introductions….for me, I like a good summary …it helps me comprehend…a good summary is like asking a great stupid question…everyone’s glad you did it.

So I’m glad I met Dick, I always wanted to meet the Sweeney anyway.. and this was close…a great communicator, an energetic pace, some great stories, a few serious challenges to my own thinking and some top new skills to practice…(and as an-aside Mrs D is also very happy I went)..ahem…

So… say less and listen more…it’s amazing what people give away…and people love listeners….’say what?’ …I said people love listeners.