I had one too many ‘ego moments’ for my liking the other week. I’ll spare the embarrassing details. It’s all a work in progress.

I’m still trying to work out the right balance of authentic vulnerability and egoless practice.

It reminded me of some wisdom from Dr Edgar, with whom I had many cups of tea.

Edgar was 90 and treasurer of a small (and getting smaller) church perched on Polzeath beach in North Cornwall.

I was part of a vision team to transform the church into a surf themed community and creative hub with the aim touching lives of thousands who lived there or were travelling through. Eventually becoming Tubestation, Polzeath.

Edgar was also Dr Edgar Antsey, Cambridge Psychologist who history says played an ‘Incidental role’ in averting world war in 1962.

Hence the little name I gave him. ‘Incidental Edgar.’

I’m not sure how you can have an Incidental role in helping stop a third world war? It’s all worthy of book.

For us to proceed with our vision for the little church we needed Edgar’s agreement. It would have been easy for Edgar to say no and continue his quiet church role with 8 or 9 other ageing regulars.

Edgar didn’t say no.

I always remember his words ‘sometimes we have to get out of the way of self for a better outcome’.

In 1962 Edgar found himself working with US Government on behalf of Lord Mountbatten and British Civil Service. It was at the time Russian President Nikita Khrushchev had developed an alliance with Cuban leader and Communist Fidel Castro.

The Russian plan was to locate ballistic nuclear missiles in Cuba off the coast of Florida USA. The Cold War was now in full flow. US felt threatened. President Kennedy responded with a full show of military force to prevent Soviet access and escalation.

The result was a scary stand off in the Cuban sea between East & West. Both presidents threatening each other with a preemptive strike. The world minutes from disaster.

Like heavyweight boxers both JFK and Khruschev were in full pre-fight mode, high on ego, air-punching with pride. Neither backing down.

Historian Serhii Plokhy, author of Nuclear Folly: A New History of the Cuban Missile Crisis highlighted that one of the reasons war was averted was a change in approach by JFK.

The US president on taking advice had realised a conciliatory and concession based approach may be a better option. Conceding that USA would never invade Communist Cuba as a means to de-escalation and Soviet retraction..

The whole approach required seeing a bigger and different picture. Laying down self for the good of others (humanity). Seeing humility and relationship as the greater strength. And to an extent both leaders became fearful of the consequence and folly of misplaced power in the most crucial moments. Clearly for history nerds like me there’s more to the story. Many texts talk about an agreed reduced US presence in Eastern Europe and the promise of safety for Cuba. But the reality is, as is often the case, human nature and behaviour played a significant role.

Now it’s not clear exactly what happened in the Oval Office of the White House and Edgar’s direct involvement. It was rightly never disclosed to me. Though I learned much from Edgar over a brew or two.

But JFKs conciliation and concession and Khrushchev’s capitulation seemed to go hand in hand with Edgar’s interactions in Washington, and his lens on life.

Sadly Edgar died at 92 within a couple of years after handing over his role of Church treasurer. He saw the potential in Tubestation, and became a huge supporter in the project’s formative years.

Tubestation, Polzeath has impacted thousands of people on their life, creative and faith journey. Pioneered brilliantly by some very ego-less friends.

Battling ego isn’t easy but taking a conciliatory servant approach by reducing self and increasing others through relationship can be transforming. And not incidental at all. How we hold and distribute power is so, so important at leadership level in work or in the subtleties of every relationship.

I have to work at humility. I’m open about that. And being open helps me to grow.

The world needs a little less ego right now (understatement) and starts with me being a lot more we.

John the Baptist when faced with Christ once said “how can my less be your more”.

Next time … having a cup of tea with Colin, who turned out to be Chaplain on Robben Island during Nelson Mandela’s imprisonment.